ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet