I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess