I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Sharon, call the vet
Taliband
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.