I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!