I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
βhottie with a bodyβ implies the existence of βhottie without a bodyβ……how do i become HER
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
βBEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing pingβ
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Iβm in that magical stage of parenting where I donβt need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also donβt have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think Iβm smart and funnyβ¦how do I stay here???
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: itβs like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
my retirement plan is braless
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok