I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates