My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?