Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does