I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My dress code is business-casualty.