I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
never ask a starfish for directions
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone