“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football