“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.