[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
philosophical skeletons be like
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?