*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
work smarter, not harder
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
i think my razor is having a panic attack
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.