@DannyZuker: I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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@MyPolishFace: hey Liam Neeson is your "particular set of skills" gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?
@NoTheOtherJohn: [lifts $1000 apple watch to my face] Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
@BlondeFacade: I sprayed Taylor Swift's new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby's.
@BakedBrotatoes: Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she's ready.