@DannyZuker: I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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@stephenjmolloy: *after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant* Me to waiter: "Actually, do you think I could have a fork?"
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Why do you love me? Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying? Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
@KeetPotato: cop: "sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood" me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way] cop: "ok that's better"