I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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Well, this explains it:
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Breaking news:
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.