I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Ape together strong
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I like crazy people until they notice me
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh