WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Clients after you give them your rates
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.