*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Oh we’ve met.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***