I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Girl, same.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception