I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.