I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
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Smells like a challenge to me
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Möther may I have a snäck
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit