“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
You Might Also Like
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Was it something I said?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.