THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My favorite type of men is ramen.