I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.