@DaddyJew: I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I'm just waiting for him to realize what that means
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@SteveSuckington: [Taken 26] Abductor: I have your great granddaughter LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
@meganamram: When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it's like what am i, your maid
@Swishergirl24: Officer: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pass Officer: have you been drinking? Me: pass Officer: You can't just keep.. Me: pass
@FeelingMervis: Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.