@DaddyJew: I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I'm just waiting for him to realize what that means
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@librarianfonz: Growing up in a household dominated by females, you learn: 1. The importance of listening 2. 101 euphemisms for "the monthly visitor"
@hippieswordfish: nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much. Me: Aw. 5: *spreads arms even wider* But I'd love you this much if we had a pool.
@dshack8: 3. The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner...cuz of Twitter.