My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
To make sure I don鈥檛 cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that鈥檚 all I want to talk about with women now.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it鈥檚 just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
wife: i wish you鈥檇 moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 馃槥
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?