I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
waiting for halloween be like:
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”