@darkpassenger74: I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
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@bourgeoisalien: if someone asks you about yourself say "OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story" then just wander off
@behindyourback: Now that he's back, Trump's tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
@geowizzacist: *finds a sock behind the washing machine* *plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
@T_N_Crumpets: Me: [bursts into wife's meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED! Wife: Dave, I'm at wo- Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7