I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
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Awwwww shit.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself