@markleggett: I just whispered "Come at me, bro" to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I'm in my car driving away from my old life.
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@TheTweetOfGod: It's not that people use only 10% of their brains, it's that only 10% of people use their brains.
@shariv67: The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
@RxitWounds: OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
@ranndrew: I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.