Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
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*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.