@markleggett: I just whispered "Come at me, bro" to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I'm in my car driving away from my old life.
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@thatdutchperson: "You're not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why." - Magazines
@SamReidSays: Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
@CulturedRuffian: Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim...you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
@EmergencyQB: How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?