@SCbchbum: If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won't be able to come over & visit.

@EliBraden: "So, is there a MRS. A-Z?" - Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

@SkylarGarland: "I'll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter" (How I'd die in a horror movie)

@chris_isloi: Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I'm gonna be rich.

@CornOnTheGoblin: [Bad magician coroner] is this your husband's body [widow] no [Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband's body