8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
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You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.