@JessObsess: I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: You were right. Me: Say it again. Wife: You were right. Me: Again. Wife: You were right. Me: One more time. Wife: You wer- *wakes up*
@: [Changes Siri to male] ME: Siri, tell me the— MALE SIRI: Listen, here’s what you need to know. ME: I… MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I’m speaking
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: It looks like you work out ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer