I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
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Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…