@JessObsess: I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
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@TheAlexNevil: Fortune Cookie: You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
@TheBoydP: Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field. Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
@PastorBate: Dear diary, Sometimes it just seems like I can't tell if something is an inanimate object or a person My therapist: Yes that's quite clear