I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.