This was the best day of my life
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6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
translated into Canadian
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.