Boom, boom, ching!
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my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: how are you
Friday: good
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.