I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.