I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
You Might Also Like
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*