Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.