@Dirty_Naomi: I just yawned so loud, I think I called a boat in.
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@lawking30: She asked for my name, if I'm alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.
@DirtMcTurd: I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
@david8hughes: [1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there's someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it'd be hard to drown in the sand
@StarksWeek: "I put on pants for nothing" - my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled. Someone set up her Twitter account.