@LePetitOiseau_L: I just yelled "ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!" at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
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@bridger_w: Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone's cart and demanding they fight you
@13spencer: I'd like to think that my exes see me as "the one who got away," but it's probably more like "the one who got away from the police."
@aguywithnolife: searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
@Jay_FrickinLynn: M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai- H: What? M: I saw you pecan! H: No, I wasn- M: You're macadamian me mad. H: You're nuts.