I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
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Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST