I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
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The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor