I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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No laws when master is gone
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My kitchen overserved me.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Before & after 😅
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower