What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
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Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You are not alone 💚
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing