@Death_Buddy: I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, "dang, someone's already got the murdering covered here"
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@BuyBritishMilk: By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer's social media account to secure a pay increase.
@waydybee: Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
@TheToddWilliams: [blind date] HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic ME: Vincent van...go on