I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
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It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
#SaturdayBears
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
How to woo a woman
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?