I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.