@Jackson5toLife: I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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@garrettbarry70: Wife. "Did you cut the grass?" Me. "Yep" Wife. "But it doesn't look any different!" Me. "I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out"
@murrman5: [determined not to have any awkward silence during date] "so, what's your favorite part of a banana?"
@jayleno: In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a "cronut," which is croissant/donut. We call these people "midiots," which is a moron/idiot.
@daemonic3: Here you go, Merry Christmas! "Dad, why'd you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?" Because I wanted to make- Mom: NO DON'T My presents felt