Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
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Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.