@HockeyTornado: I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm pooping.
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@FreshClemonade: Me: "Bond." *lowers sunglasses* "James Bond." Cashier: "You've been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?"
@solikebasically: One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
@Dutch_50: Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.