A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
This pepper has seen some shit
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
pat pat
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue