I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Good morning
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.