@stevevsninjas: I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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@Dawn_M_: My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
@kaz474: Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
@caithuls: ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
@iwearaonesie: Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe