@SarcasticAlly12: I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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@withanewname: psychic: "I see... I see kids in your future" me: "but I've had a vasectomy" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] "This's bullshit"
@SortaBad: *panics during bank robbery* "Uhhhh hi yeah I'd like to put this gun in my safety deposit box"
@TheAlexP: [first day of astronomy class] So, does everyone get to be an astronaut, or do we draw straws?