@SarcasticAlly12: I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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@tsm560: Her: About last night, please understand that wasn't me... that was the wine. Me: ... Her: ... Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
@DanMentos: [terrorist meeting] "Let's hit Americans where they gather to shop" But how will we find these Targets? "Guys you're not gonna believe this"
@sfreeze6: [HR office] HR: you know why you're here, right? Me: HR: you can't "contract" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it
@mattytalks: I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in