@SarcasticAlly12: I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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@AdamTheLobster: [In bed with gf] "Do you have any fantasies?" Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one? "Yes.. why?" I want to hit her with my car
@WheelTod: I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
@notacroc: Date: wanna get out of here? Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don't know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti