I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
You Might Also Like
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I feel seen.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Has science gone too far?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”